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|Saturday, September 1st, 2012|
gah... I guess I should just stuff down my deisres for drama and angst, because Kiba doesnt understand how much tha RP means to me and no oen else is interested.
But, I am glad my wanting to keep up on teh house si still here, despite of the heat, its been in the 90's for a week. I made no bakes yesterday, with a recipe full of errors, so they are very soft and butter. I put egg yolks in teh freezer to throw them away nd it tipped over and I had to scrub 10 yolks worth from all down the insde of teh freezer. I made meatloaf and potatoes and green beans for dinner
I need tos hower today and put the clean cothes away. maybe do a load of laundry. I also need to do the two book shelves. I need to find my art supplies. so many things I want to remeber, and do
I need to call my dentis an send them some money wen I get paid. sarah needs her teeth cleaned. I was considering getting teh new cat boxes, but sarah has been keeping up on her duty to clean them everyday.
Tonight I'm making salmon pasta salad. I wish I had Mindy to RP with again.
again, the idea of my contentment in life lesson is back.
OK, so I need to make room on shelves in teh computer room, and redo teh shelves under teh table, I think that will make a nice big difference in the living room. I hope it will give ma bit of room for some of my cookbooks I have out and some crochet books, until we can go through the closet in our room.
I don't have a glamorous life, and I don't havethe kind of romance I wish I had. I dont know, I need to be content with my life as it is. I'm not teh artist I could be, I have the talent, but not teh drive to push myself in teh business. Am I being selfish or lazy by not sharing my talent?
So, I'm just a housewife, and one with disabilities. My husband takes are of me out of obligation.
I have stuff to do, but no drive today. Plus my keyboard is really driving me crazy.
|Thursday, August 30th, 2012|
|end of day
I think I will be ok, I am feeling more myself in thye energy dept. evn though I still feel lonely. I hope Kiba can write more tomorrow.
I have my to do and I will do each item on it. My keyboard is getting worse, evn though I vaccuumed it, it didn't help. I'd really like to have it professionally claned.
I'm lonely... andsecond life doesnt do much for me anymore, no one is there and after BilliAnn, I'm hesitant to try and find someone. There is always an ulterieor motive.
Iant something interesting to read, or look at. I'm feeling whimbly, like I want to do something, liek crochet, but I have no inspiration. I need to finish some xmas presents, and t woudl be easier if I knew who i was making gifts for and what I was making. Maybe tomorrow I'll make a list. I knwo I want to make some slippers, for a few gifts, so I can start some of thoe, finish Poppys poncho. Work on sarahs backpack, get my at supplies out. I know there is so much I have to do, and I feel pretty overwhelmed, I have to look at it as one project at a time. Oe room at a time, one art peice at a time...
I ran out of abilify a few weeks ago, and now I'm not sleeping well and feeling tired and groggy all day, not enough energy to do stuff.
My keyboard is dirty and half the time my keys don't type when I strike them. I am getting tired of fixing the typos.
I found a friend to RP with, I'm excited to write get some fo that angsty stuff back,ithout hurting anyone or myself.
I'm so tired today, I hope this isnt some kind of backsliding. I was really enjoying feeling normal, and doing ouseowrk stuff like I'm supposed to. Now yesterday I walked o school and met sarahs teacher astood for a long time, ahelped sarah, was around a lot of people, all these things sressed me out. then last night, I woke up at 5 am, and decided to stay up because of my dr appt. I went to tehdr appt at 9, an hour dr and stuff. Came home and took a nap and still feel groggy and tired
I made my to do list for tomorrow
so I h something to shoot for. I really want it to just be fatigue, you know? Not a backslide.
don't want to backslide.
|Wednesday, August 29th, 2012|
|I hate doing adult stuff
and i dont mean sxual stuff. I mea calling offices, and banks nd dr's and soc sec. I hate that stuff. I called all over today andit has me worn out
I did get my pay pal account fixed, stupid thing. and I applied for some more script help, because my insurance have a donut hole gap in coverage that I just fell into....
I still have to shower and go meet saahs teacer today, and tomorrow is an early dr appt.
I can feel myself slowing down, caring less, my motivation nd will to do things is sinking into teh ground like rain. I'm starting to just not care anymore.. again. Dangerou territory
I never wanted to go back to that way i was, listless not doing anything.
I can try to remember everything i was able to do up north , with my mom, all the cleaning and laundry and gardnening and cooking. And add to it all teh stuff I've done down here, dishes everyday, and cleaning stuff up and doing cooking ad laundry
Ka has agreedto RP with me, but the stress of today has sucked that glee out of me. Plus I've been out of abilify for a few weeks now.
I hope dr sabbaugh has omething to elp
|maybe its my meds...
Here I am, up again, in the middle of thenight, wide awake. I did so much betteron abilify, I need to call and see why it wasnt covered by my insurance. I'vealso been more depressed. Like I feel like no one cares if I'm around or not, like I dont matter
So many stories have been written, and I've written so many, I cant seem to find one that can help me now. I feel like if I can writ and get that fantas angsty romance back, then I will feel better. even if I just write aimlessly in here about it.But everything I think of, has been done. By me or someone else, close enough to be th way I'd write it.
I wonder if I tok one of my old RP's and redid it...
Maybe Clockwork Boy
I know I am missing something in my life. Now that I can feel it, instead of being drugged into stupidity, I want tha hole filled, in a healthy way. Not by messing iwth real peoples feelings+
|Tuesday, August 28th, 2012|
|the need to write.
I'm going to try and use this again, I need o write sometimes. I ma not write everyday or anything.
I am getting older. I can feel words I used to know slipping beween my fingers like water. I ued to b able to write, just for the joy of t, like role playing or writing fo romance comics. I found a drawing I did for on of those writings, it was called Angel feather. It wasa very sweet romance story. I miss writing likethat, I think it fulfilled my need for drama and romance.
But, sometimes, now I feel tim has taken my abilities in that awa. I used to hve hugeideas and stories spinning in my head, and be able o share them, in roleplaying.
I can draw such deep emotions, and drama in my comics. I just dont know
what do I do? I just feel like I dont have the ability to write the romance and drama I need... nor do i have the time ad capability to draw the comics I want to
Ised to dream about romantic stores and lovers drama, it fulfilled something in me. There is just no way for me to ge as much drama and romance my real life that I crave. I need it from something. I used to write the comics, I used to roleplay long sagas about star crossed lovers.
Then it was second life, but that wasjust... not th right way for me, I ended up hurting people and being hurt mysef, a lot.
Maybe I will try to role play again, even if my writing abilities are rusty. But, I don't ave my usual partner anymore. And she was just perfect to write with, she was so much like me.
Ieel... like I'm just withering up, like the angst and ad drama were my water, my food and soul filling nectar. Without it, I am a no one, I am not me, like I've lost myself inside my own head.
I will try to find a way to ge it back. I'm still me, no matter hwo old I am.
|Thursday, April 29th, 2010|
I usually have these dreams when I am trying to wake up and it takes me a long time to wake. I see the same section of window then I dream that I roll over and get up and move out into the livingroom, but as soon as I try to open my real eyes I see the same section of windowagain and I'm back, sort of. Anyway, this last time, I decided to see where I went. Here is my dream.
The living room was palely lit and sparkley, it was dusted with snow, in drifts up along the walls. The xmas tree was lit. I walked to the front door where much more snow was piled up and I could hear the blue van running. The door was open a crack held open by an umbrella. I opened it and in the front yard was a woman in a red coat and gold hair with her young child who also had golden hair. In teh driveway was the blue van, kit-bashed with an old grocery getter, with cages hanging out of the doors and windows. Inside was a woman, swathed in old dirty saris from head to tow and her two or three small, dirty, thin children.
The gold haired woman spoke with a strange accent, like Zhazha Gabor, and she said "thank goodness, we've been outhere for almost 20 minutes trying to get your attention, may we please come in?" she held her child closer to her.
I helped them inside, just as I did a utility worker barged his way OUT of the house. I said "Who is that?" and the gold haired woman said "Oh, thats---- ----, he's fixing things." Just then, more lights seemeed to come on, and small noises of awe were heard from the poor family. I looked at the gold haired woman and said "Where is my family? Where is my husband andc hild?"
This is where she smiled and turned towards a window, saying "You can only ask me one question, and I will answer it."
I fell to my knees next to a window made from ice,dusted with snow that drifted up from the floor. I put my hands up on it and I cried. I said, "But there are questions I NEED to know, and qwuestions that I WANT to know."
She smiled again and I looked, behind me instead of my living room furniture, was a hospital gurney, where the poor woman had held her children. A nurse in old fashioned white uniform, held a cloth high above it and wrung it out, as the water poured out, I knew they were tears. Th tears fell onto a bouguet of deep red roses set on the gurney. I tured and every window had been filled iwth red roses. I stood and as I stood next to the woman, there was a fr4amed art on the wall, of red and cream swilred tulips. I said, "I think I have seen this before..."
And she said "Ah, yes-"
Then the phone rang and woke me up.
Can anyone tell me what they think this means?
|Friday, September 4th, 2009|
Wow, I haven't posted here in a while... sorry, I've been keeping up with posting on my blog on wordpress, but have been neglecting here.
I packed these five lunches, left one for the hubs and took the rest to take to the Ocqueoc Falls with my daughter and my parents.
Oni giri with Umeboshi, miso chicken, eggs, veggies, and cheese.
|Tuesday, August 4th, 2009|
|Joe's IPod(CREEPY AS HECK!)
So, last night Joe was browsing around his ipod apps and he found a ghost hunter radar one for a buck. He assumed it would be one of those joke ones and after a certain amount fo time, there'd be a shocking scream or even someone saying"why are you doing this? There are no ghosts!"
He loaded it and he set it on his stomach in bed, with the headphones on. Now, a bit of backstory. His CPAP broke last month and I cannot sleep with him when he snores, so he's been sleeping in Sarah's room, and she and I have been in our bed.
So, he had this app running, and after a while of nothing he heard a robotic voice say "PONY"
He's laying on sarah's bed, surrounded by my little ponies. Then, a few minutes later it said "DAUGHTER" How freaking creepy is that?!!
So, yeah, I have it running now, it isn't very active, usually following Sarah around the house. At the landing to the basement, there were words like "BEAT" and "BLOW" so I wonder if some sort of altercation happened there.
At any rate, this app is very cool, real or not.
|Friday, July 31st, 2009|
|What goes with me...
OK, I feel the need to let everyone in the world know what movies I take with me wherever I go, LOL.
Underworld2(rise of Lycans)
House of a 1000 corpses
The Devil's Rejects
Texas Chainsaw Massacre 1974 special edition
Texas Chainsaw Massacre Prequel
Texas Chainsaw Massacre Remake
30 Days of Night
Queen of the Damned
Pirates of the Carribean Dead Man's Chest
Hide and Seek
Starship Troopers *love the gore*
Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer
Dawn of the Dead(2004)
I am Legend
Drag Me to Hell *love the gross-out factor*
House on Haunted Hill
Return to the House on Haunted Hill
Black Xmas 1975 special Edition
The Number 23
The Day After tomorrow
Resident Evil Extinction
Resident Evil Degeneration
Shawn of the Dead
Wicked Littel Things
28 Days Later
28 Weeks Later
Day of the dead(not dawn)
Chronicles of Riddick
House of Wax(2000-ish)
FF VII Advent Children
This is only what I carry with me, I have watched hundreds more scary movies. Maybe one fo these days, I'll list my netflix watch instantly activity, and whatever I've watched off fearnet.com
|Tuesday, May 26th, 2009|
|In dead skin.. (warning. long, depressive and possibly triggering)
(warning: long, and other stuff. If you don't want to know, use the 'back' button now)
I looked in the mirror after my shower and jumped. So pale, so lifeless, hanging skin under my jaw, dark circles under y eyes, I looked like death. So, what's the difference, I say? I'm not really living anyway. I do nothing, I am nothing. I simply can't escape from my own inner prison. Every pound that is gouged from me has an ounce of my strength, my heart, my essence with it. What am I left with? A growing sence of doom, a sinking depression, and a renewed morbid interest in death, and lonliness.
Wheelchair. I had to use a fucking wheelchair this weekend. I felt horrible, a useless sop. Abreathing lump of flesh, a freak, that had to be carted around.
Depression? you bet. Suicidal? unfortunatly, yes. Why am I still here? I am of no use to anyone, I can't do anything. My worth as a wife, mother, artist, even friend, daughter, anything seems to wither like a cut flower.
"there is no pain, you are receding...
a ship's smoke on the horizon...
you are only coming through in waves...
your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying..
I have become comfortably numb" Pink Floyd
I looked in the mirror today and my eyes were dead.
My daughter needs someone who can do the things I can't. My husband needs a wife who can do the things I can't.
Everyone around me needs someone else, someone better. They deserve better than me.
Love? It's like a pretty cloud in the sky, I can look, but it's out of my reach and impossible for me to ever acheive.
Happiness? I thought I had, once or twice, but it was like an icecream on the hottest day of the year, so cool, sweet and perfect, and just as fleeting.
My art? Stagnant, old, outdated. My favorite peices I don't print or even like showing, because it reflects my midnight. Everytime I close my eye, frightening, evil ikages and demons haunt me.
I'm unable to fight anymore. I'm so tired of being sick and having the ones I love bend to care for me.
I can hardly breath, and I feel like Hazel in watership down, all I have to do is stop. My breaths are so slow, less than two or three a minuet, I'd say...
All I have to do is stop. And, why, if I did, would no one forgive me? Because I was my own cause? How is that fair, when if a cancer ate me up, everyone would forgive me? It isn't fair at all.
I really feel sanity slipping from me. Maybe I am crazy, maybe I should be institutionalized.
I'm so cold, so numb. My own thoughts are my cancer, eating me up, stealing my will and my warmth. I feel like leaves in the fall, dry and lifeless, crackling in the winds, swirling like souless dancers in a ballet for the masses. Empty, I feel empty, except for the throbbing ache in my heart. I'm so tired of the pain, the physical pain no one believes I feel, the emotional pain everyone wishes I'd shut up about.
Why now? I don't know, post-con slip? New friends? Reminding me of what I can't...don't have? Don't deserve? My self worth ... where did it go? Why can't I see? All I see is dark, scary shadows and creepy voices. And, please, don't be so shallow as to think my scary movies add to me, they excite me because my dark visions seem to pour out of me on the screen. It makes it more real to me, then not real, it's just a movie. I am not that impressionable.
I only seek out what is within me, and feel unworthy of all else.
Yes, I am going to see my dr, this week. I owe him a chunck of green for missing his appt. I am still taking my meds as prescribed. I am still looking after myself and now my daughter, now that she's been returned to me, my sweet, beautiful daughter.
She's so healthy, so beautiful, and so understanding, it hurts me so much to hear her say, "But you can't because of your knees, Mama."
It crushes me, because she is the only reason I cling to life. She deserves so much more. So much more than I can give her.
I'm so cold and nothing can warm me. I'm so alone, there is no one here, just me, just like an institution. It's dark all around me, cold, and there is no where I can go. I've been abandoned, out in the cold, frostcovered black withered ground.
|Wednesday, May 20th, 2009|
|Why do I try?
Pink Floyd's The Wall
Is there anybody in there
Just nod if you can hear me.
Is there anyone home
Come on, now.
I hear you're feeling down.
Well I can ease your pain,
Get you on your feet again.
I need some information first.
Just the basic facts,
Can you show me where it hurts
There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ship's smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're sayin'.
When I was a child I had a fever.
My hands felt just like two balloons.
Now I got that feeling once again.
I can't explain, you would not understand.
This is not how I am.
I have become comfortably numb.
Just a little pinprick.
There'll be no more ...Aaaaaahhhhh!
But you may feel a little sick.
Can you stand up
I do believe it's working. Good.
That'll keep you going for the show.
Come on it's time to go.
There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ship's smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're sayin'.
When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse,
Out of the corner of my eye.
I turned to look but it was gone.
I cannot put my finger on it now.
The child is grown, the dream is gone.
I have become comfortably numb. Current Mood: apathetic
|Saturday, May 16th, 2009|
|Wednesday, April 29th, 2009|
|Ton- ka- tsu... ton- ka- tsu... (singing)
I have watched way too many Anpanman videos, and hence... staqrted singing everything. *shrugs* I'm a little nutty anyway, what's one more thing?
Anyway, went to one dr, got new pain meds, stopped at a *NEW* asian grocer! Woo!!! Had 30 bucks....spent 30 bucks. Oh well.
I got two bottles of ramune, one for me(reg) and one for sarah(peach). The old man in the store adored her and gave her a cookie. I bought her a mango jelly drink and strawberyy yamyam to take in her snack. I bought dried mushrooms(finally), and fried garlic, um... curry paste, a big daikon, a bag of sprouts, and a can of roasted eel. Oh, a packet of pre-packaged seasoned nori sheets, and I think that's it. The pretty korean woman behind the counter confirmed they accept checks... hee hee hee, next time, they will need a bigger box to pack my stuff!
Oh yeah, the title reminded me, I bought a bottle of tonkatsu sauce, its yummy. Current Mood: cheerful
|Tuesday, December 2nd, 2008|
Your rainbow is strongly shaded brown and violet.
What is says about you: You are a creative person. You appreciate the roughness of nature. You are patient and will keep trying to understand something until you've mastered it. You feel closer to people when you understand their imperfections.Find the colors of your rainbow at spacefem.com.
|Friday, November 7th, 2008|
|yeah, ok, whatever
Well, in light of recent responces to my posts, I will be making my journale private, turning this from a tool to help my concerned friends and family updated on my moods and life, to a personal tool to work through the darker sides of my personality.
I have removed the last two posts, amking them private.
This week is very full for me. Two dr appts, dais scous, parent teacher conferences, and Sarah's first birthday party to a freind's. I am making the cake for it and I'll be in charge of securing the pizza parlour after the show. Then monday is daisies, and the one dr appt, and the leader meeting, and then I think the next day is parent teacher conference.
Sarah had tues off because of elections, so we went to subway and took our lunch to the park, because the weather was so beautiful.
I found a pattern for hats for her and me, because we still have to stand outside in the winter.
At any rate, my friends who have been supportive, thank you and many hugs. To people who haven't, and who may see only what they want to see, then, there isn't anything I can do to change your opinions of my parental methods. Current Mood: angry
|Sunday, October 12th, 2008|
|Thursday, September 11th, 2008|
|Button, button, who has the button...?
Some of my new hand-me-downs are missing a button here and there, I have some mending piling up. I need to buy two sets of buttons, so far, one for one of my shirts, one for one of Sarah's dresses, and one of sarah's skirts need to be fixed. Of course, if I spend an evening mending, I would patch up Joe's jeans, and sew a few of his not-so-new shirts.
I have showered, and dressed, I ate breakfast today, so I feel less jittery. I am making progress on the tiger pic, which makes me happy. Soon, I'll be able to move on to one of the other ones.
I've been feeling better lately. Walking sarah to school isn't hurting as much. Plus, I have been picking up more housework.
And, forcing myself to not nap during the day, as it makes me feel sluggish and even less motivated. Naps felt good at the time, buit when I got up, things weren't better, it didn't help me feel more rested. Mom talked with me about it when I was up north, and she was right. Besides, when I did lay down, I would fall asleep, deep. If something happened to Sarah I wouldn't know, it was as bad as leaving her alone in the house. I'm not going to do that any more.
Today I'm paying for the first half of the daisy scout year. I'll be going to every meeting, I think it will strengthen the bond between us. She is always here with me, but I haven't always been here for her.
I've been keeping my heart under wraps, and doing a pretty good job this time around.
|Friday, September 5th, 2008|
|goals for friday
I got everything done yesterday that I wanted, plus some. I was pretty tired. I wore a skirt yesterday, and it felt nice. It seemed easier than pants.
Today, let's see. made my bed, switchled loads of laundry, I have to shower. Maybe today I will concentrate on the living room. Every night when Sarah's in her bath, I wash something, like the sink or toilet, and when I shower, I scrub the walls down while I'm in there. My bathroom is getting cleaner every day. Yeah, today I think the living room, maybe I can vaccuum.
Sarah has been doing better at going to school, even though she has a hard time keeping quiet in class. I understand, she is an only child, she is used to being heard the first time, not used to one adult in charge of 25 kids.
I'll give her a couple of weeks before I ask Mrs. Hudson what I can do at home to help her follow classroom rules. Not sure how much help I can give, though as she still has trouble listening to me, and following house rules. Like "leave the cat alone." Current Mood: hot
|Thursday, September 4th, 2008|
|goals for today
Today, I got up and made my bed. I'm going to shower and do a load of laundry. I think I will go through my clothes like I did Sarah's incorperating the new things I got from my mom and getting rid of thing old and shabby.
I hope my close friends do well today. Leland, I think you should call your doctor. Katie, I believe in you, you'll do great. Mindy, I miss chatting iwth you, I hope you feel better soon. Lynn, I hope we can get together soon.
Well, I'm going to switch loads of laundry and get Sarah's school clothes out.